Monday, 23 March 2009

Men and Boys

It was very nice weather on Saturday so Uncle Ian and his friend Jim took me and my cousin Matthew to the park to play football, and it was me and Jim against Matthew and his dad, and we were winning 10-4 but then Matthew sliced the ball into the middle of the pond by accident. He's really clever but he can't kick a ball to save his life.

Jim said that Uncle Ian should get the ball because his team lost it and Uncle Ian joked that he was gonna swim in and he took his t-shirt off and then they started laughing and wrestling and both of them fell in nearly.

Matthew was like, 'Shall we hide?' and I was like, 'They probably won't even notice. I'll go in the toilets and you go in the woods.'

Uncle Ian and Jim were still rolling in the grass and laughing and now both of them had their t-shirts off and Uncle Ian was daring to throw Jim's t-shirt in the pond. For a second I thought Jim was actually strangling Uncle Ian properly because they stopped laughing and were grunting and screaming but then they started laughing again.

So Matthew ran away to the woods which are big and quite dark and I ran around the pond and past the park where the swings and slide are and went to the toilets, which I thought were a really good place to hide because not many people would think I would hide in them. They were dirty and smelly and I went into one but the toilet seat was broken and covered in wee and full of loads and loads of tissue and wee and it was disgusting, so I tried the next one which wasn't as bad, but there was a big puddle of water or something on the floor, and I got my pumps and my jeans bottoms wet, but it was too late because I could hear footsteps coming in. I locked the door.

I needed a poo. I thought Uncle Ian and Jim had found me already. That would mean that Matthew was the winner because he still hadn't been found, and I don't like losing to Matthew because he's just rubbish at everything except reading, writing, spelling, and Maths, and he says he knows the capital city of every country in the world. He probably does. He reads books all the time. Nobody reads books. I'd get bullied at school forever.

But anyway, I was pretending to be a statue and not even breathing. Then I noticed a small hole in the wall, which was made of wood. I mean, the wall was made of wood. I looked in very quietly and carefully and all I could see was the back of someone's head, kind of nodding in a funny way, and he didn't have a top on. And there was a funny noise, like someone out of breath. I crouched down, trying not to get my jeans wet even more, and there were things all over the floor like burst balloons, floating in the water, and they looked really disgusting, so I tried not to touch them, but I wanted to see if there was something else in the toilet next door, and I was really surprised because it was actually Jim. Jim had no top on either and was making the funny noises like he was out of breath. I was really shocked so I moved right into the corner so they couldn't see me through the hole, but I stepped on one of the balloons which made a sound like a little fart which was funny but disgusting and I was scared that they would hear me laughing and having a poo nearly.

And they must have because then someone put their finger through the hole and started wiggling it around. I thought I was going to be sick, and poo and wee myself all together. I wanted to run away but just as I unlocked the door the other door opened too. I started running but I was caught as soon as we got outside. I started screaming but it was Uncle Ian and he covered my mouth with his very big hand.

And he was like, 'Seek!'

Uncle Ian was bright red in the face and laughing. He looked like one of the boys at school who had done something naughty and was laughing when the teacher asked him what he'd been doing, like he'd been caught in the girls toilets, which is not allowed. He picked me up and swung me around and upside down but his t-shirt fell on the grass so he put me down and picked it back up and tucked it in his jeans. His chest was really big and hairy and I was a bit dizzy.

I was like, 'Was that you in there with Jim?' and he was like, 'Ah! You got me', and so I was like, 'What were you doing in there?' and he said, 'Waiting for you, silly! We saw you run into the toilets! Duh! Duh!' He tickled me knees and I started screaming. I'm really ticklish and sometimes when Uncle Ian tickles me with his long fingers I think I'm going to die. 'Jim and I were playing but we still knew where you were. That's what being grown up's about. You can be silly but you still have to keep your eyes open, you never know who's about, do you? Ah. Here comes Mr. Jim now with Matthew, hey, and the football! How did you get that?'

'There's a fisherman there who went in with his waders,' Jim said, as he swung Matthew around too.

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